The animal kingdom presents the perfect setting for Darius Contractor to analyse human affairs exclusively from the female perspective.
Extra martial affairs are commonplace and the lure of one is omnipresent – falling in love, a younger person, fun without commitment maybe… or looking to fill the gaps – like appreciation, admiration, sex, romance, conversation – in your official relationship. Reasons for an affair vary from the simple to the complex – the state of the relationship, and pressures of family and finance... Over time, a couple could drift apart or may never have been compatible to begin with…
Immaterial of how your relationship is – shaky, stable, mint new – an affair could threaten it. The surprising part is that your reaction to this threat or perceived threat could actually precipitate a full-blown affair and ruin a perfectly good relationship.
When a female animal is on heat (mating season), she’ll use every trick in the book to attract and hold the male’s attention – releasing enticing scents, displaying bright colours, preening… All this is to ensure exclusive or premium mating rights. In case another female tries to ensnare her prospective mate, she’ll physically fight her off. The act of fighting makes her look scary and ugly to the competition, but is also a display to show the male that she is healthy and can be a good vehicle to carry forward his genes – bear healthy offspring. Once she is impregnated and until the offspring are dependent on her for survival, she’ll not come on heat and thus has no need for the male to mate with. She does want him to help protect her and provide for the offspring though; but she will not stop him from mating with others – not until she is on heat again.
Now among evolved humans, the relationship rule is long-term commitment. So whether or not you are pregnant or have an offspring dependent on you, your desire is to monopolize your man. And when your mate is either attracted to or involved with another woman, or even if you suspect that he’s having an affair, your natural response is to fight. Ideally, you should fight the intruder and scare her off. But in all probability, you will not fight the other woman as it would mean you are admitting to having no control over your own partner, and announcing that you are insecure. So instead, you will fight and nag your partner.
It ends up having the opposite effect – your man is now exposed to your ranting and raving which is highly unattractive and scary. Further, because you are hurt and upset with him, the last thing you’ll do is preen or dress to look attractive for him. Besides, you may even insult him in front of family and friends – making him lose their respect. Obviously, your partner will be highly put off by your behaviour and appearance, and get further alienated from you.
At the same time, when you are in the presence of the other woman, you’ll dress up and fall all over your mate in an attempt to show her that you have him in your possession and you are virile, young and attractive – this behaviour is good, but should have been aimed at your mate and not the competition. For, this display of attractiveness works as a challenge to the other woman who’ll respond by physically upping the ante and vying for your man’s attention. She will be cool, cute and charming – now wouldn’t that upset your applecart?! Alternatively, you may withdraw into a shell and believe you are unattractive. Or you may live in denial regarding the other woman’s existence.
All these responses are not exactly the best as your man now faces a predicament – a highly unattractive partner (you) vis-à-vis another woman competing for his attention. This external attraction has been energized by your adverse reaction, and has actually worsened or even created the situation. In short, at best you are pushing him away from you and at worst, you are pushing him right into her arms.
Now if it is a full blown affair, you would naturally take a call – dump him or forgive and move on – that is a call only you can take. But if you are interested in keeping your relationship with your man alive and frolicking, the last thing you need to do is focus your energy on the competition. Instead, you should work on strengthening your relationship with your man – talk about the issue in a logical and reasonable manner, with an aim of ironing out differences. At the same time, behave in a manner that’s attractive and becoming – to your man and others.
Anyway, why wait till a threat looms large? Throughout your relationship, allow your charm to flow effortlessly and constantly; flirt outrageously with him too – he is your man and you do aim to keep it that way!
